I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
