The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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