I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
