it was like his penis was on wheels.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
