So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
