Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
