I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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