i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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