I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
