I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
