she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
