I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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