Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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