paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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