I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
