Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
