before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I smell like Dick and happiness
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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