No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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