how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
