you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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