I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
