Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
