Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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