for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
