Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
