look no pants
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
