matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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