I just pynch a tree in the face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
