the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
