I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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