I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
