she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
