Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
