I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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