You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
