just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
