Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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