i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
