it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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