I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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