He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
