I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
