so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
