Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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