The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
