If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
