I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
