im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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