Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
