oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
