I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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